Shop-a-holic

I won't tell you if it's a he or a she. Not for kicks. It's just that I don't remember. Let's just call this person Aholic (wipe that smirk off your face and go 'heh-he' or 'tee-hee' in your head). Aholic has been to the store, my store, too many times for me to remember a first or to keep count. What I do remember is the look on the face. It's the same every time. There's a hint of hesitance and unfamiliarity  that's quickly overcome by a look of bravado tinged with cockiness. A playful voyeur stepped out of that dry skin and into the store.

My clients almost never ever come back. Best thing about this business. And even if they do, I'd never know if it was them. But this one stood out. Helped by the fact that I do remember what she had bought the last time and several times before that. I am in the business of masks, so I do tend to get biased. Every one of the products purchased by him were totally unlike him. Here, in my store, people come to transform. Some desperately want to hide from their pasts. Some have known to be nothing in their past. Another face would give them the freedom to be anything they want to be. It's like moving to a new city where you know no one. You open a new book - fresh, crispy, empty pages. What you do from there on defines who you are. So much so that you become that person and you forget you wear a mask.

Aholic never went away. I thought I knew what it was that didn't work. My products had no flaws. They work because people like you who step in to buy one, desperately want to hide their flaws. They always pick what suits them best. It's the most obvious thing to do. You get it right. Simple. I never have window-shoppers who drop in on a whim. But my clients have their fancies. I think that was Aholic's problem. But I'm not sure. Why wouldn't you want to be someone you could be when given the chance? Why try something just for the sake of trying it out.

One thing was consistent. Aholic stepped into the store like it was the first time. Every time. Browsing through the galleries, Aholic's eyes lit up with child-like wonder. At the possibilities that lay waiting in the shelves. There'd be the bunch of masks towards the end to pick from. Then the confusion and struggle to make a choice. Which one looked good? What would happen with this one? Uncertainity always existed for all my customers, but they'd be thinking practical thoughts. Making the math work. This one just had problems picking a lollipop from a bunch of multi-coloured lollipops. And when that finally happened there was always the apprehension. Hesitance. A backward step towards the pile left behind, or a glance at the ones close to the cash counter.

I think nothing ever happened when Aholic went away with a new mask. Worst client ever - especially for my ego.

Sale on Soul

Another Sunday to himself. Morning, or what was left of it, reminded him of nothing. It normally felt good. An empty mind on a Sunday was a good place to build an appetite. So much he'd be able to catch up on and he knew nothing of that sort was to happen. He'd usually while away the day until he'd feel those pangs of guilt in the evening.

The watch, from under his pillow was the only way he'd know what time it was. Grey as they came, January was making its presence felt this morning. He knew it was all cloudy and cold outside, and that was because of the two blankets that were keeping him warm. The warmth that had kept him from getting out. He'd fought the urge till now.

Half an hour later, he was sitting down for breakfast. Toast with lots of butter and a tad of marmalade. Downed with some hot, milky sweet tea. Ignoring the empty bottles of beer on the table. The stale smell of cigarettes too were ignored. He'd come to that later. The opened windows and hopefully, cross ventilation would help for now.

The bottles went into the crate, the crate into the garage. The emptied and washed ashtrays lay face down, washed and dried next to the sink. His hands and feet got the work done. His mind still had to get back from last night. He usually forgot easily. It was convenient. But not this time.

He'd been the kind who could absorb anything. Pain, the physical type especially was his favourite. He hadn't know of any other kind. He'd conveniently kept himself immune from that. He shrugged it off with ease. Dealing with people was easy. The lesser attention he'd have to pay, the better. He marvelled at his own apathy. It protected him like a force field.

But not last night. For the first time he'd come to know about one small part of a different kind of pain. She'd laughed that laugh all evening. And then he'd made her cry.

He walked up and found the door to the room was still closed. He thought she'd have left. He returned to the kitchen and began preparing another breakfast. He turned up the radio so she'd notice he was up.

Emptiness

What I don't know can fill many a textbook.

Sloth

My second sin.

It kept me from being a (add anything awesome here - rock star, leg-spin guru, tennis champ, chess grand master, computer geek and my all time favourite - super hero) when I was younger. I didn't get past playing nonsense on my brother's guitar and piano, the second level at a tennis championship (only because the first level opponent forfeited) and my manic will to day-dream when its meant to be done - all day.
I wasn't even good at bunking, whiling away what could have been awesome times dusting off whatever I could get my hands on at the local central library.

I'm too lazy to even finish this post.

Make light and tread gently

I'll fill this one in someday,

It's my guide to self-defence.

All the things one mustn't be doing.
Things I seem to be adept at doing.

Jealousy

She was everything I wanted. I have her. Right here beside me. My eyes, tired as they are, though, can't seem to take enough of the sight in front of me. She on the other hand, sits across the table and says she is really happy for us. I know she means every word of it. I wish I was as happy. My face must be a sight, the coffee tastes stale and nothing makes sense. An apparition of what I desired sits before me, taunting me and laughing at my plight. I laugh back. Its not something I imagined. I could have made her happy. Happier than she'd ever imagined.

The conversation is banal. It must be the loud music. That guy seems to know all the lyrics. I'm sure anyone with a mug of beer in them would get there. Its all a daze now. I realised later that I must have been staring too much... I guess. Was I that obvious? Those feelings were obvious. But then there was this whole shroud of 'friends-like-us' and 'friends-don't-do-that' that suffocated me forever. Right up to when I had to make a decision. And then I faltered. Then it wasn't the same.

I walk away from the fork in the path, taking with me what is now, and what currently is my tomorrow. The conversations seem the same, but there's the hint of something, an edge that scrapes. An itch that can't be scratched. Funny I'm this colour today.

Jealousy

This is about me. So a lot of I's and me's.
Its also about you and the way I feel about you.

I am jealous of the way you can carry yourself, so pristinely in control of everything. Not letting anything bother you. Not a hair out of place. Not a word I say to prick that surface. It all bounces off like water on wax.

You can say all the right things not letting your guard down. Always in control of your emotions. Always able to look past all the shallowness I throw at you. I want to riddle you with questions. I want to uncover your past. I want to know. Find out about every joy and all the pain. I want to be immature and intrude.

I wouldn't know where my instincts end and blind jealousy begins. I push it all down and try to be you. I can only try.

2010 checks out for the day...

Its no secret 

I know you've got other plans 

(that don't involve me) 

But I'm not givin' up 

I know I still got a chance 

when 

we start over 

next year