Emptiness

What I don't know can fill many a textbook.

Sloth

My second sin.

It kept me from being a (add anything awesome here - rock star, leg-spin guru, tennis champ, chess grand master, computer geek and my all time favourite - super hero) when I was younger. I didn't get past playing nonsense on my brother's guitar and piano, the second level at a tennis championship (only because the first level opponent forfeited) and my manic will to day-dream when its meant to be done - all day.
I wasn't even good at bunking, whiling away what could have been awesome times dusting off whatever I could get my hands on at the local central library.

I'm too lazy to even finish this post.

Make light and tread gently

I'll fill this one in someday,

It's my guide to self-defence.

All the things one mustn't be doing.
Things I seem to be adept at doing.

Jealousy

She was everything I wanted. I have her. Right here beside me. My eyes, tired as they are, though, can't seem to take enough of the sight in front of me. She on the other hand, sits across the table and says she is really happy for us. I know she means every word of it. I wish I was as happy. My face must be a sight, the coffee tastes stale and nothing makes sense. An apparition of what I desired sits before me, taunting me and laughing at my plight. I laugh back. Its not something I imagined. I could have made her happy. Happier than she'd ever imagined.

The conversation is banal. It must be the loud music. That guy seems to know all the lyrics. I'm sure anyone with a mug of beer in them would get there. Its all a daze now. I realised later that I must have been staring too much... I guess. Was I that obvious? Those feelings were obvious. But then there was this whole shroud of 'friends-like-us' and 'friends-don't-do-that' that suffocated me forever. Right up to when I had to make a decision. And then I faltered. Then it wasn't the same.

I walk away from the fork in the path, taking with me what is now, and what currently is my tomorrow. The conversations seem the same, but there's the hint of something, an edge that scrapes. An itch that can't be scratched. Funny I'm this colour today.

Jealousy

This is about me. So a lot of I's and me's.
Its also about you and the way I feel about you.

I am jealous of the way you can carry yourself, so pristinely in control of everything. Not letting anything bother you. Not a hair out of place. Not a word I say to prick that surface. It all bounces off like water on wax.

You can say all the right things not letting your guard down. Always in control of your emotions. Always able to look past all the shallowness I throw at you. I want to riddle you with questions. I want to uncover your past. I want to know. Find out about every joy and all the pain. I want to be immature and intrude.

I wouldn't know where my instincts end and blind jealousy begins. I push it all down and try to be you. I can only try.

2010 checks out for the day...

Its no secret 

I know you've got other plans 

(that don't involve me) 

But I'm not givin' up 

I know I still got a chance 

when 

we start over 

next year

Mi Manantial.

Refrescante, mis manos quedan helados como las palabras,
Que se quedan atrapado entre pensamiento y mi lengua.
Me cierro los ojos, placido el sonido de tu voz.
La energia empieza a correr por mis venas,
al verte, burbujiando por las valles.
Sin parar, sin descanso.
Correre junto, hasta tu sonrisa me deja,
antes que te aburres, me paro.
Los verdes y los tiempos calurosos te esperan,
en los llanos fertiles.
Lejos de mi altiplano.

Rain in October

I loved that you packed an umbrella expecting the rain,

I loved you some more when you forgot to use it,

and stood to look up as the heavens let go.

That smile I'd never forget,

As you walked up to me in your damp clothes,

A little guilt, a lot of happiness.

Busy

Forever needn't always come with an expiry date.

Dawn

The brightening sky before him stung his eyes. Rest was not an option as he drove on, wiping a tear now an then from an irritated eye. Dawn had long stopped being something he would enjoy, pulling over at the nearest dhaba and sipping on some hot 'chai'. What little was left of his reputation was at stake. But really, there was none to defend in the first place. It was long gone.

A light blue glow was gently overcoming the safety and coolness of the night sky. Hues of pink and orange were lapping around the edges. Shapes and contours of the countryside began to reveal themselves. A tethered buffalo mutely turned to watch him roar past. He remembered growing up in a place like this. And then the memories flooded back, surging past the morning.

He was never in class to begin with. His mother regarded it as something to add to the family heritage. A high school pass to present at the next gathering of relatives. It only gave him more reason to rebel. It wasn't his age, watching too many weekend movies at the tent or bad influence. He went looking for the bad influence and got into plenty of it. He was constantly being told on by his teachers at school and relatives who caught him playing truant. His anger only barely covering the fact that he was the least interested in sitting through a class. Studies were not for him. He resented the fact that he couldn't do well.

One morning he woke up well before the others, collected a bag with a change of clothes and left. He stopped only at the junction where the dirt road from his village met the highway and decided which way to go. He trudged on through the day, not looking back, until his legs couldn't take him further. He looked up and realised he had reached a halfway place for truck drivers. Trucks lined the sides of the road with dhabas filled with hungry and loud people.

He began as a help at one of the dhabas. Serving, washing, cleaning after the truck drivers. He was fascinated with their lives. All they had to do was drive across the country. Regular ones met up and exchanged stories of income tax check-posts, better routes to common destinations, a pretty new prostitute at the toll gate, growing up children and tiring bosses. It all seemed like adventure after adventure, every driver's story unique.

In six months he went on his first truck ride to a city. The driver had grown fond of him and his helper was about to become a driver himself. The strong, young village kid was a perfect replacement. He was hired by the owner of the trucks with a lot of reassurance and praise from his driver friend. The boy didn't let him down once. The moment he could pay off the local authorities to get him a driver's license, he walked up to the big boss and asked for a truck and a route of his own. Again his old friend was there to convince the man.

In three years, he made it big, and then went on reckless sprees of indulgence. He believed he had earned it all - the money, the fine clothes, women and merriment. His friends lasted as long as they could walk away sane and stayed far away as they watched the young man drown himself in drinking bouts that lasted weeks. Angry employers and a spiraling reputation amongst the community left him grasping for very little. His subsequent anger and the to-and-fro between binging and work almost ended where everyone expected it to - in a gutter or a hospital pallet. Some where, something made him turn back.

There was no elation on knowing he was getting back. He had no choice. There could be no better humiliation in the eyes that stared back at him as he passed each village. He wanted to tell them that he wasn't going anywhere other than back to where he started. The blues had moved away to the other horizon, making way for a searing white. Closing his eyes seemed such a pleasant option, but he knew he had to keep his word. Pressing down a little more on the pedal to fight off the tiredness that was spreading across his body, he realised he'd hit a lonely, straight stretch. Any other day this would have been a trucker's joy. Now, it looked like hell.

A form up ahead broke the monotony and it irked his senses for a moment. It seemed out of place. As he drove closer, he saw that it was a young boy walking along. He seemed lost between purpose and indecision. As he got closer, more features were lit up by a blazing dawn, the bare feet and a small travel bag. Not a speck of cloud. The yellow, searing sun lit up hell diligently. The truck swerved across the road and toward the boy.

Woe

Brazen beginnings barely bridled,

wilfully wading he went into worrisome waters.

A princely price he paid,

left him a pauper.

Now, nowhere near narcissist,

An asylum allies his hours.

Another something he knew

He walked away from that instance that went on to become another memory;

with a merry jingle and tinkle of fragile items from his heart.

He wanted to go home, if he knew where that was.

He'd have loved to come home to its comfort and warmth.

If he could ever stop, turn, and make it home.

They Bark & They Do Bite

Tho haiku kaiku?

Ye paanch saath paanch kis cheeze ki?

Bheje fry freeze.

Sweat Sweet

Tease, freeze, knocking knees

Drown a god for every fit thrown

Sweet sweat down your spine

Nunca sin privilegios

sera algo que tendre
grabado en mi mente por siempre
las dependencias son infinitas
todo depende... ay fastidio
en privilegios
pero siempre quejamos
de los privilegios
que no acudemos a tener
maldicion! me han llamado complasente
otra vez

I've always been skeptical about a lotta things I see... and think that I need to believe and experience them foist for myself...

but have been experimenting at the lab for some time and now think that awareness and learning happen at an unhindered pace and with an unhindered mind

Note to self... one must not blindly believe and belief must come at an urgency that one's heart must dictate - not the mind...

The Doctor leads the way

...again!

floating

Wave I say, wave!

Hermano del mundo

La voz de un dios...
Tu partida me duele cada dia! Que Dios te tenga en su gloria.